Fear of Talking is Crippling Me

It's downtime. I can easily blame it on excessive exercising which brings along mental fatigue, but I know it is not true.
Poor memory and my inability to communicate well are to be blamed. I think I'm slowing down further. Ha! I thought I had a way of putting this down. Now, I can't even recall that.
I seem to like (or is it because of fear) hiding in my shell too.

Only the thought of dardar makes me better.

Yes, I'm going to study again. I know I'm going against my instinct, but I want one more shot at a degree. I just hope the process will not cause any hurt or friction to my loved ones. They matter to me more than anything else.

Moving on after 6 years

What's the word to use? A sense of nostalgia when it is just over?

I've the feeling that another chapter of life is over. I guess there are 3 major changes over the past 10 months.

1. Joey left. =(
2. I found my Dardar. =D
3. After 6 years of practising the organ and moving up the grades, it has ended with today's Grade 6 exam.

Not for the first time, I really wish I could have done better.

I think I only managed 80% of my usual potential for Ai Qing Dian Ying and about 85-90% for High School Musical. I guess I will only be satisfied with 95% or more.

I didn't do too well for improvisation earlier. This despite the fact that the piece was relatively simple. What a pity!

However, I guess I made amends by doing better than expected for Listening, where D Major was tested.

Here's my prediction:

Improvisation: C
Ai Qing Dian Ying: B
High School Musical: B
Listening: B

For the record, if I do obtain the certificate, I will be qualified to teach organ at a community centre!

Recovery Aid

These are meant to help me whenever I slip into "dark" thoughts. The past shows that it doesn't work, but I want to give it another shot.

1. There are people in greater adversity. If I had to look near, I just need to look at HL and DQ who overcame adversity. I may not have their mental strength, but the least I could do is to try.

2. My dardar is around to provide comfort. I just had to look at the A4 card that she has created for me in the middle of night to know that she's there for me.

3. Baby steps of self improvement counts. It's impossible to please everyone and it's enuf to care abt those who care.

4. We are made different. Learn to appreciate myself more.

Tired

Yes, I am. Maybe it's another bout of depression. I'm just tired. I feel irritable and little energy for for thinking and exercise. That sense of losing touch with people is coming back. I begin to feel that I have difficulty communicating people. I disliked people who irritate who. Who irritates me? People who are presumptious and draw incorrect and careless conclusions about me. People who misunderstood me. If you're not going to care about me, please don't bother to draw any conclusions.

I'm tried, increasingly weary and maybe even afraid of this crowded and demanding country. Someone only recently discussed with me the difference between being alone and being lonely. I feel lonely, with or without people. I missed Joey. These are moments where I could pick him up for a good hug, I can't now.

God, why are you torturing me? I'm supposed to be contented with what I have, isn't it? I'm supposed to be much more fortunate than many people in this world, isn't it? Yet, why I'm feeling this way? Am I greedy? Is it greed? Expectating too much of myself? Giving myself too much pressure? Am I fighting for something that I can't achieve once again? Am I influenced by other people and now trying for something which I know I shouldn't be trying if I search my inner-self? Have I failed to accept myself yet again?

To my dearest dardar, thank you for your encouragements. I wish I could tell you how I feel now, but I just couldn't. Maybe one day, you'll read this. You're the sweetest I've ever met.

Kids

I'm still less than positive about them. That doesn't stop me from congratulating others on their bundle of joy. I'm congratulating my friends' happiness, which need not be my type of joy.

Not My World

This isn't the type of world I would have loved to live in. We all had to adapt to our era and environment and thrive in the best way we could. Apparently, I'm not adapting to the world well, but I could try to adapt to myself. =)

Living our Lives

Yes, we have a choice. I've heard from many with the following statements "Work is stressful", "Life is stressful", "That's how everyone is living their lives", "We don't have a choice, everyone is stressed out at work".

My take? We do have a choice. Utimately you may have stuck through your stressful job because of its better remuneration package or you have that inertia that stops you from looking for new one. You can make that change, provided you really want to.

Friends with Blanket Assumptions.

They used to be my good friends. Not the best of all, but we have built up a certain level of trust over the years.

Now, they assumed that since I've found that special someone, I've decided to ignore them completely. In both cases ("F" and "M"), I made an effort to maintain contact, but was ignored. Honestly, I wasn't entirely happy with "M" for another reason, but if "M" is going to ignore me because of her existing assumptions, so be it. I wasn't entirely happy with "F" either, but if ignoring me is "F" decision, I won't lose much sleep either.

These friendships simply failed the test of time.